Kinigeria

While the rest of the country was dancing to the tune of UB40, I had an experience that was both comical and excruciating. Many of you are wondering what could possibly surpass UB40 and why wasn't I at UB40. Okay, they are a great band. Their story is so captivating-unemployed guys decided to do something about it- but It's not that fairy tale to me. I like their songs. Actually I like one of their songs (don't remember the title and no, it's not reasons) so for that reason I decided to skip the show. I stuck to my Saturday ritual. I watched Eduardo suffer a horrific tackle, Torres score his second hat-trick in the premiership and the Mighty Manchester United destroy Keegans legacy further (if he had any). What's so amazing about this? Nothing! It's what happened after that was.

After the games, I went for a drink to some place I won't mention (too many lawsuits pending). I happened to glance at the screen and a movie was starting on one of the DSTV channels (Africa Magic). It was a Nollywood movie. Before you forever cast me to the shadows of the valley of the uncool, I only watched 5 minutes and only lasted that long for the reason I'm about to mention. A caption appeared on the screen that said "Lagos, 1973" This is normal, except that a Mercedes S-Class (S-500) appeared in the next scene. An S-CLASS? In 1973? IN NIGERIA? Unless they had a production line that was way ahead of the rest of the world this would be impossible. The particular model shown wasn't in production. They then switched to a house that had the latest leather sofas and looked more like 2013 than 1973. I always thought Movie directors were notorious for meticulously following detail. They really did well with Last King of Scotland. Those cars were well sourced. If we can achieve that in Uganda, why not our 'brodaz' in 'Nigerio'. I wanted to see what else this movie had and trust Nigerian movies to never disappoint. I saw a BMW X5 in the background of one shot. That was it. I now know why they are uncool. I had always heard of their chiefs, their numerous wives, their 'Juju' and lack of any acting talent whatsoever but this was too much for me. It ceased to be funny. Ironically, this was happening on Oscar weekend. The Hollywood-Nollywood contrasts couldn't be any starker. Why does DSTV subject us to these ineptly produced movies? South Africa has a lot better movies. Actually, the rest of Africa has better stuff that this.

Everything about these movies is wrong/bad/ghastly. The acting is nowhere near close to pathetic. Even wretched would be a compliment. The plot is always too thin. I'm sure the 'juju' subject was exhaustively and extensively covered by the first 10 Nollywood movies ever produced. These guys keep churning out that stuff. The actors are so unaccomplished. They don't even look like they've had any acting experience. They just don't have any, even after all those movies. The attention to details is appalling. There is none whatsoever. With our meagre resources, 'bwavu musolo', which had 'kyeswa' was so much better. These guys make Dr. Bosa look like Jonny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean 1 and he (Dr. Bosa) is appalling. I have seen bad movies. Some have been a complete waste of not my time but a small part of my life. Some I have sworn never to watch ever again, but at least I watched them. I will...sorry, I WILL NEVER EVER waste any part my unaccomplished, undistinguished life watching any of that bigamy oriented, fraud filled , juju fiestas from Nollywood. It is just not worth my time and certainly not anyone's. The guys at DSTV are either pulling a prank on the rest of Africa, trying to see how long we can hold on or they lack any sense of judgement when it comes to selecting which movies to show on Africa Magic. These are the only reasons. If not then...there is no logical explanation. Nollywood is as appalling as the name suggests. No-llywood.