Oh crap...it’s Valentine’s Day

This being valentine's day I decided to chip in with my opinion. This, according to every non romantic person, is the day of L.O.V.E -List of Various Expenses. It's the day when you are supposed to show that special person what they truly mean to you ...sorry lie about it. Let's face it half the time you can't stand them, besides if you can't show them you love them the rest of the year then you have no business celebrating Valentine's Day.

Who came up with the red theme anyway? Isn't Red the colour for danger, stop, highest army/terrorist alert? Perhaps it's a fitting likeness then. It spells danger for your savings. Corporations, media and anyone with anything worth a cent will all try to get you to buy their goods. It's actually a day for them to rack up some profits in that quarter. Everyone benefits except you. No wonder they say you need to invest in a relationship.

If you must celebrate this day, please keep it plain and simple. Men, please avoid wearing red suits. This isn't Michael Jackson's thriller video. You don't look nice in red. Trust me, she's lying. Leave that to the women. Wear black and don't be too flashy or you'll end up being tacky. Avoid red socks and red underwear at all costs. Don't wear white socks unless you're wearing a white suit or white pair of trousers. Actually don't wear anything white. Leave the Gold buckled sharp shoes to the Congolese musicians. Don't buy flowers, chocolates or wine. Every guy is going to do this. Distinguish yourself from the rest. Think outside the box. Teddy bears are inside the box. She probably has a million from all the previous times you have given her one or from her former boyfriends. Don't buy a blender, microwave, sauce pan or any cooking utensils. Don't send lingerie unless you're absolutely certain of her size.

Women, for once, buy us some descent Valentine's Day gifts. No we don't want Boxer shorts. It's not sexy. Socks are even worse. Don't buy perfume. You always get the fragrance wrong. We don't need shirts, ties, pens or anything we already have. Don't send flowers to our work places. They make us look feminine and we are not caring people so they won't get watered. Please dress up early and keep time. Don't marinate yourselves in perfume. If I sneeze, it's not the flu. You probably over did it. Send a bottle of scotch with a picture of you wearing some sexy lingerie. I can guarantee you that you'll have the best Valentine's Day ever. We don't have to go out. We could easily have a special candle lit meal and 'explore the house.' Home is always better because you're comfortable there. It's your turf. If you insist on going out, choose a place that's tranquil and offers some privacy. A place where it won't look like a valentine's special offer-buy one and get one free kind of thing.

For all those that are without a date for Valentine's, congratulations. You have been spared the disappointment and humiliation. You won't have to dress up ridiculously, tell more lies than Iraq's former information minister or perhaps stare in disbelief when she hands you picture frame for a Valentine's present or that hideous perfume(for women). Enjoy your freedom cause next year you might not be so lucky. Don't despair. Come Friday you'll have the only happy face in the office. You won't be disappointed by anyone. Happy Valentines