Kinigeria

While the rest of the country was dancing to the tune of UB40, I had an experience that was both comical and excruciating. Many of you are wondering what could possibly surpass UB40 and why wasn't I at UB40. Okay, they are a great band. Their story is so captivating-unemployed guys decided to do something about it- but It's not that fairy tale to me. I like their songs. Actually I like one of their songs (don't remember the title and no, it's not reasons) so for that reason I decided to skip the show. I stuck to my Saturday ritual. I watched Eduardo suffer a horrific tackle, Torres score his second hat-trick in the premiership and the Mighty Manchester United destroy Keegans legacy further (if he had any). What's so amazing about this? Nothing! It's what happened after that was.

After the games, I went for a drink to some place I won't mention (too many lawsuits pending). I happened to glance at the screen and a movie was starting on one of the DSTV channels (Africa Magic). It was a Nollywood movie. Before you forever cast me to the shadows of the valley of the uncool, I only watched 5 minutes and only lasted that long for the reason I'm about to mention. A caption appeared on the screen that said "Lagos, 1973" This is normal, except that a Mercedes S-Class (S-500) appeared in the next scene. An S-CLASS? In 1973? IN NIGERIA? Unless they had a production line that was way ahead of the rest of the world this would be impossible. The particular model shown wasn't in production. They then switched to a house that had the latest leather sofas and looked more like 2013 than 1973. I always thought Movie directors were notorious for meticulously following detail. They really did well with Last King of Scotland. Those cars were well sourced. If we can achieve that in Uganda, why not our 'brodaz' in 'Nigerio'. I wanted to see what else this movie had and trust Nigerian movies to never disappoint. I saw a BMW X5 in the background of one shot. That was it. I now know why they are uncool. I had always heard of their chiefs, their numerous wives, their 'Juju' and lack of any acting talent whatsoever but this was too much for me. It ceased to be funny. Ironically, this was happening on Oscar weekend. The Hollywood-Nollywood contrasts couldn't be any starker. Why does DSTV subject us to these ineptly produced movies? South Africa has a lot better movies. Actually, the rest of Africa has better stuff that this.

Everything about these movies is wrong/bad/ghastly. The acting is nowhere near close to pathetic. Even wretched would be a compliment. The plot is always too thin. I'm sure the 'juju' subject was exhaustively and extensively covered by the first 10 Nollywood movies ever produced. These guys keep churning out that stuff. The actors are so unaccomplished. They don't even look like they've had any acting experience. They just don't have any, even after all those movies. The attention to details is appalling. There is none whatsoever. With our meagre resources, 'bwavu musolo', which had 'kyeswa' was so much better. These guys make Dr. Bosa look like Jonny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean 1 and he (Dr. Bosa) is appalling. I have seen bad movies. Some have been a complete waste of not my time but a small part of my life. Some I have sworn never to watch ever again, but at least I watched them. I will...sorry, I WILL NEVER EVER waste any part my unaccomplished, undistinguished life watching any of that bigamy oriented, fraud filled , juju fiestas from Nollywood. It is just not worth my time and certainly not anyone's. The guys at DSTV are either pulling a prank on the rest of Africa, trying to see how long we can hold on or they lack any sense of judgement when it comes to selecting which movies to show on Africa Magic. These are the only reasons. If not then...there is no logical explanation. Nollywood is as appalling as the name suggests. No-llywood.

Thriller...the 25th Anniversary Edition Disaster

For the past week I have been listening to the 25^th Anniversary Edition release of Michael Jackson's Thriller album, grappling on how to classify this album. The original is the best selling album of all time, selling over 40 Million records. It was ranked #3 in the NARM/The Rock and Roll hall of fame's Definitive 200 albums. This album rocks. Every song is just brilliant. Quincy Jones showed his class on this record. Thriller and Beat it were....for lack of a better word...Grand. The collaborations with Vincent Price, and Sir Paul McCartney were well chosen. It's the only album to have SEVEN number 1 songs on the Billboard Top 100. With the junk pumping out of our speakers today, I can safely say that record will never be surpassed, not even matched.

Fast forward to 2008, the new edition, with collaborations from Kanye West, Will.I.AM, Fergie and Senegal's favourite son, Aliaune Damala Bouga Time Puru Nacka Lu Lu Lu Badara Akon Thiam aka Akon. These are some of the best producers around right now. Perhaps the best if you exclude Timbaland and the legendary Dr. Dre. They showed their mastery on this timeless record. The kind of mastery that must have Quincy Jones wincing and moaning wherever he is. All their effort produced what would even today be one of the worst albums ever. Perhaps it's the notion that 'if it ain't broke, don't fix it' but my gosh! This album is horrendous. I am not a music critic, actually far from it but this album is the biggest disappointment. The original songs far outshine their remixes. This isn't a job done poorly. It's a job not done at all.

Track 1: Wanna be starting something. Reminds you of why the 80's were good for music. A song that you can listen to when your stressed and the up tempo beat will lift you. The saxophone is...wow! Listen to it when is switches to the Caribbean sound.
Track 2: Baby be mine. Temperton showed his class with the keyboard. The vocal arrangement is just so exquisite. At least they didn't touch this one
Track3: The Girl is mine (With Sir Paul). This song is so mellow. It is sweet and gentle to the ears. The verbal trades between Michael and Sir Paul are well thought of, funny and just what the song needed. The vocal arrangement is great. A great product of the legendary Quincy Jones.
Track4: Thriller (with Vincent Price). There are no words in the dictionary I can use to describe this song. If you do have this song, listen to that base line. Put that together with the synthesizer and when the electric guitar kicks in.....ORGASMIC.
Track 5: Beat it. My favourite song on this album. The snare on this is amazing. The electric guitar player (Eddie Van Halen) on this was amazing. The bridge he played on this is one of the greatest guitar sounds ever played (according to me anyway). The tempo, vocal arrangement and the whole song arrangement (Quincy Jones) is simply brilliant.
Track 6: Billie jean. Those of you that have watched the video of this song will remember the crouch grabbing strokes of M.J. This song has that catchy base line, complemented by the strings. Great stuff
Track 7: Human nature: So gentle, so mellow, so nice.
Track 8: Pretty Young Things (PYT). This song is good and that's all I can say.
Track 9: The lady in my life. For those that have never heard this song, remember the Boys II Men song 'Hey Lover'? This is where they got the rhythm.

Now to the worst part

Track 11; The girl is mine (2008) This is by far the worst song on the album. Will.I.AM's growling on this album just irritates the ear. "She mine, she mine, she like the way I rock, the way I rock" my, oh my, this is abysmal. He goes on and on that you can't help but get really irritated with his voice. He's good with the Black Eyed peas but can't be trusted with a classic, let alone a classic like thriller. The song was bad enough without his voice. He got the production wrong from the beginning. The drums were too loud, the base line too antiquated and gosh that horrible synthesizer. I can't say anything about it.1/10
Track12: PYT. This song was so nice till that 80's dance rhythm was introduced. Another howler by Will.I.AM.2/20
Track 13: Wanna be starting something (with Akon).The best of the worst. The only reason it's not as bad as the rest is because they didn't deviate too far from the original. Akon and MJ's vocal arrangement was quite good. These two should do another song together. The bridge is good. They even had the switch to the Caribbean sound. Good stuff but no match for the original though I'll give it a 6/10.
Track 14; beat it (with Fergie). Two voices have never clashed like this before on a record. It will never happen again. It's impossible. She's almost inaudible and MJ's voice is....MJ's Voice. Another one of Will.I.Am productions (more like howlers) The electric guitar was simply crap. Listen to it just after the bridge. It screams HORRIBLE. What's the hype with this Will.I.AM fellow anyway? Yes he's good with BEP and other artists but crap on his own. Have you listened to his solo album? Don't. 2/10
Track 15: Billie jean (with Kanye). Second best. Kanye introduces his maverick production style. His drums and snares rocked...a bit. He didn't try to do a lo of talking like a certain Mr William. 5/10.

It's good they kept all the originals on it. If they had only released the remixes, we'd be in trouble. The best part about this album is the original songs. Don't mess with anything successful. MJ should have released a completely new album. Perhaps Will.I.AM would have shown how good he is with completely new stuff and not how mediocre he is remixing songs. I love the album...a lot but only for the old timeless songs. Hopefully they'll spare us a golden anniversary remix edition. If not, good luck to your ears.

Good Men...Bad men

I was reading a newspaper over the weekend and came across an article saying there aren't any good men left. What? Hullo? Where are all these women looking? I know so many good men; starting with myself, my three brothers (one of them is 2 but I can already vouch for him), my numerous cousins, friends, enemies...the list is endless. There are so many good men out there that women are spoilt for choice. They even come up with excuses such as there are no good men because they can't make up their minds on which one to settle for. The good women are even harder to come across but we aren't complaining. They are either in a relationship (that won't stop us though), married, or married in misery (this seems to happen to the hottest babes. Don't understand why)

Then there's this argument; good guys finish last. So which is it? Do you want good guys or bad guys? Make up your minds because this is getting very complicated. Women love bad boys. They are attracted to the worst kind and then blame the guy. Seriously, if he was bad when you hooked up with him what did you expect? That he'd turn into an angel after seeing your infectious smile? We need clarity and while at it, please don't use parables. Men aren't good at deciphering coded messages. We are confused...all the time by the different signals that women put out. We don't know what we are supposed to be. If you good, you're boring. If you're bad then you're a loser. There's never any middle ground. It's painful being a guy

Women need to lower their expectations. Brad Pitt is only perfect in the movies. He's been divorced twice so he isn't some kind of angel. Will Smith too. There isn't such a thing as Mr Perfect. You have to accept that once in a while, probably more often than not, we will leave the toilet seat up. When we do leave it down, it most probably will have some wet patches because aiming is really hard. Once in a while, we'll forget that special day. It's not like we did so on purpose. Don't try to change us. You were happy with us when we started dating. Saturdays is sports day for us. We need to watch the game as much as you need to go to the salon. We don't complain about your salon visits so don't complain about our football. The salon makes you look good. The football makes us feel good. Say what you mean. We take words for what they are, not what they should have meant. Don't expect us to keep up with the same stuff we did when were dating. Naturally, complacency will set in. Once in a while, we'll get romantic. Don't be suspicious. We aren't cheating. We are just reminding you that we still care. Don't try to replace mum, but just try to complement her. She carried me for 9 months and brought me up to be the good man I am. Get these facts right and stop believing in those romantic movies. You will see potential like never before.

Happy hunting

PS. I am not an egocentric, chauvinistic guy. I, like all other men I know, am a good man.

The Morning after...a rude awakening

Today, I'm truly thankful, truly thankful to all the courteous, well-mannered and polite people out there. We all should. Rarely do we appreciate the goodness in this world, let alone acknowledge it. Rarely, until you get a taste of the repulsive, repugnant characters that traverse this earth. This morning started off really well. I attended one of those single's valentine day dinners last night. It was really good-I hate Valentine's Day so this is really hard for me to admit-so I was really fired up this morning. My enthusiasm didn't last long though.

As I was getting to work, a voice behind me said, "I hope you've come to work today". Curious to see who was saying this and to whom, I turned around. To my shock, it was directed to me by someone who has absolutely no idea what my job description is. I always thought Good Morning was the accepted form of greeting early in the morning but perhaps I was being too naive (at least in this lady's case). I chose to ignore the comment and the lady and proceeded to the security desk. Perhaps she didn't get the point from my act of civility because she repeated the comment. The lady at the security desk was as shocked as I was and began talking back to her. She seemed genuinely concerned that the first words from a respectable person's mouth-or so we thought- could be so vile. This lady wouldn't be deterred though. Not by my silence and definitely not by the security lady because she repeated the same comment two more times and then proceeded to accuse my department of not doing anything. I am very passionate about what I do and very protective of my friends and colleagues so this really got to me. What did she think I had come in at 7.30 a.m. for? Sit round and bet on the time I'd get my first phone call? Count how many emails I'd get all day? Play solitaire? How ironic that I have found her playing solitaire several times. She probably has the top score at my work place. Anyway at this point there was steam coming out of my ears that if I had said anything to her, she'd curse all my predecessors and the God that created them. I hurriedly grabbed my stuff and walked off very fast. She then called me. WTF? B!@#h. She's started following me to the lift, trying to get a response/reaction. It closed on her, thank God because someone was about to lose their teeth in there and it wasn't me.

I already had a low opinion of her so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised by her outburst. I have a lot of faith in the goodness of humanity and that's why I have a problem with her approach this morning. It doesn't matter how bad a day it is for someone, always show your better side. It's not only polite but also humane to greet people and treat them with the respect every human deserves; especially if they have always extended the same courtesy to you. They will always respect you more and will definitely be a lot more willing to help you. This very arrogant, vile, contemptible woman (lady is too respectable a title for her) obviously hasn't the slightest clue about this. I only hope it was a one off (Valentine's Day disappointment) and next time she'll have the decency all other people I have encountered have shown. If not, God help one of us because I cannot say with certainty that I will be too accommodating.

Oh crap...it’s Valentine’s Day

This being valentine's day I decided to chip in with my opinion. This, according to every non romantic person, is the day of L.O.V.E -List of Various Expenses. It's the day when you are supposed to show that special person what they truly mean to you ...sorry lie about it. Let's face it half the time you can't stand them, besides if you can't show them you love them the rest of the year then you have no business celebrating Valentine's Day.

Who came up with the red theme anyway? Isn't Red the colour for danger, stop, highest army/terrorist alert? Perhaps it's a fitting likeness then. It spells danger for your savings. Corporations, media and anyone with anything worth a cent will all try to get you to buy their goods. It's actually a day for them to rack up some profits in that quarter. Everyone benefits except you. No wonder they say you need to invest in a relationship.

If you must celebrate this day, please keep it plain and simple. Men, please avoid wearing red suits. This isn't Michael Jackson's thriller video. You don't look nice in red. Trust me, she's lying. Leave that to the women. Wear black and don't be too flashy or you'll end up being tacky. Avoid red socks and red underwear at all costs. Don't wear white socks unless you're wearing a white suit or white pair of trousers. Actually don't wear anything white. Leave the Gold buckled sharp shoes to the Congolese musicians. Don't buy flowers, chocolates or wine. Every guy is going to do this. Distinguish yourself from the rest. Think outside the box. Teddy bears are inside the box. She probably has a million from all the previous times you have given her one or from her former boyfriends. Don't buy a blender, microwave, sauce pan or any cooking utensils. Don't send lingerie unless you're absolutely certain of her size.

Women, for once, buy us some descent Valentine's Day gifts. No we don't want Boxer shorts. It's not sexy. Socks are even worse. Don't buy perfume. You always get the fragrance wrong. We don't need shirts, ties, pens or anything we already have. Don't send flowers to our work places. They make us look feminine and we are not caring people so they won't get watered. Please dress up early and keep time. Don't marinate yourselves in perfume. If I sneeze, it's not the flu. You probably over did it. Send a bottle of scotch with a picture of you wearing some sexy lingerie. I can guarantee you that you'll have the best Valentine's Day ever. We don't have to go out. We could easily have a special candle lit meal and 'explore the house.' Home is always better because you're comfortable there. It's your turf. If you insist on going out, choose a place that's tranquil and offers some privacy. A place where it won't look like a valentine's special offer-buy one and get one free kind of thing.

For all those that are without a date for Valentine's, congratulations. You have been spared the disappointment and humiliation. You won't have to dress up ridiculously, tell more lies than Iraq's former information minister or perhaps stare in disbelief when she hands you picture frame for a Valentine's present or that hideous perfume(for women). Enjoy your freedom cause next year you might not be so lucky. Don't despair. Come Friday you'll have the only happy face in the office. You won't be disappointed by anyone. Happy Valentines

New Year New Beginnings

So here we are, new year, new hoopla, new promises, new resolutions but same old' person. I broke all last year's resolution and I have so far failed to meet this year's only resolution. Surely New Year resolutions are not for me. I'm pretty good at doing…well…nothing. This is the year that has so much promise for a lot of people (according to all news channels) but it's already turning sour for me.

Man United are crap, the republicans are getting back into the white house cause Barrack Hussein Obama has convinced the Dems to vote for hope (there's no such thing in politics) rather than substance, and my car is asking for a lot of money than I'm willing to offer. The pot holes in Kampala are growing faster than Mitsubishi (my Car maker) can manufacture and ship out shock absorbers. My work place (won't reveal where.) isn't interested in raising my salary but they'd be pretty pissed if my output reflected my salary. Things can't get worse….or can they?

Tomorrow is that dreaded day (Valentine's Day). The only thing worse than going out on a valentines date (with your wife, husband, GF, BF, mistress, booty call, one night stand etc) is not going out at all. Let's face it, you'd rather be out dressed ridiculously (red is a bad colour for men), holding flowers, lying your ass off, promising heaven than staying at home. Don't kid yourself. All boys/girls nights out don't make up for it because you know you won't get 'any' at the end of the night. The only consolation is that your account will still read the same on Friday. That sucks though on a cold night (which every night is in Kampala right now)

Okay enough already. This is my first blog for 8 months.