Good Men...Bad men

I was reading a newspaper over the weekend and came across an article saying there aren't any good men left. What? Hullo? Where are all these women looking? I know so many good men; starting with myself, my three brothers (one of them is 2 but I can already vouch for him), my numerous cousins, friends, enemies...the list is endless. There are so many good men out there that women are spoilt for choice. They even come up with excuses such as there are no good men because they can't make up their minds on which one to settle for. The good women are even harder to come across but we aren't complaining. They are either in a relationship (that won't stop us though), married, or married in misery (this seems to happen to the hottest babes. Don't understand why)

Then there's this argument; good guys finish last. So which is it? Do you want good guys or bad guys? Make up your minds because this is getting very complicated. Women love bad boys. They are attracted to the worst kind and then blame the guy. Seriously, if he was bad when you hooked up with him what did you expect? That he'd turn into an angel after seeing your infectious smile? We need clarity and while at it, please don't use parables. Men aren't good at deciphering coded messages. We are confused...all the time by the different signals that women put out. We don't know what we are supposed to be. If you good, you're boring. If you're bad then you're a loser. There's never any middle ground. It's painful being a guy

Women need to lower their expectations. Brad Pitt is only perfect in the movies. He's been divorced twice so he isn't some kind of angel. Will Smith too. There isn't such a thing as Mr Perfect. You have to accept that once in a while, probably more often than not, we will leave the toilet seat up. When we do leave it down, it most probably will have some wet patches because aiming is really hard. Once in a while, we'll forget that special day. It's not like we did so on purpose. Don't try to change us. You were happy with us when we started dating. Saturdays is sports day for us. We need to watch the game as much as you need to go to the salon. We don't complain about your salon visits so don't complain about our football. The salon makes you look good. The football makes us feel good. Say what you mean. We take words for what they are, not what they should have meant. Don't expect us to keep up with the same stuff we did when were dating. Naturally, complacency will set in. Once in a while, we'll get romantic. Don't be suspicious. We aren't cheating. We are just reminding you that we still care. Don't try to replace mum, but just try to complement her. She carried me for 9 months and brought me up to be the good man I am. Get these facts right and stop believing in those romantic movies. You will see potential like never before.

Happy hunting

PS. I am not an egocentric, chauvinistic guy. I, like all other men I know, am a good man.

The Morning after...a rude awakening

Today, I'm truly thankful, truly thankful to all the courteous, well-mannered and polite people out there. We all should. Rarely do we appreciate the goodness in this world, let alone acknowledge it. Rarely, until you get a taste of the repulsive, repugnant characters that traverse this earth. This morning started off really well. I attended one of those single's valentine day dinners last night. It was really good-I hate Valentine's Day so this is really hard for me to admit-so I was really fired up this morning. My enthusiasm didn't last long though.

As I was getting to work, a voice behind me said, "I hope you've come to work today". Curious to see who was saying this and to whom, I turned around. To my shock, it was directed to me by someone who has absolutely no idea what my job description is. I always thought Good Morning was the accepted form of greeting early in the morning but perhaps I was being too naive (at least in this lady's case). I chose to ignore the comment and the lady and proceeded to the security desk. Perhaps she didn't get the point from my act of civility because she repeated the comment. The lady at the security desk was as shocked as I was and began talking back to her. She seemed genuinely concerned that the first words from a respectable person's mouth-or so we thought- could be so vile. This lady wouldn't be deterred though. Not by my silence and definitely not by the security lady because she repeated the same comment two more times and then proceeded to accuse my department of not doing anything. I am very passionate about what I do and very protective of my friends and colleagues so this really got to me. What did she think I had come in at 7.30 a.m. for? Sit round and bet on the time I'd get my first phone call? Count how many emails I'd get all day? Play solitaire? How ironic that I have found her playing solitaire several times. She probably has the top score at my work place. Anyway at this point there was steam coming out of my ears that if I had said anything to her, she'd curse all my predecessors and the God that created them. I hurriedly grabbed my stuff and walked off very fast. She then called me. WTF? B!@#h. She's started following me to the lift, trying to get a response/reaction. It closed on her, thank God because someone was about to lose their teeth in there and it wasn't me.

I already had a low opinion of her so perhaps I shouldn't be surprised by her outburst. I have a lot of faith in the goodness of humanity and that's why I have a problem with her approach this morning. It doesn't matter how bad a day it is for someone, always show your better side. It's not only polite but also humane to greet people and treat them with the respect every human deserves; especially if they have always extended the same courtesy to you. They will always respect you more and will definitely be a lot more willing to help you. This very arrogant, vile, contemptible woman (lady is too respectable a title for her) obviously hasn't the slightest clue about this. I only hope it was a one off (Valentine's Day disappointment) and next time she'll have the decency all other people I have encountered have shown. If not, God help one of us because I cannot say with certainty that I will be too accommodating.

Oh crap...it’s Valentine’s Day

This being valentine's day I decided to chip in with my opinion. This, according to every non romantic person, is the day of L.O.V.E -List of Various Expenses. It's the day when you are supposed to show that special person what they truly mean to you ...sorry lie about it. Let's face it half the time you can't stand them, besides if you can't show them you love them the rest of the year then you have no business celebrating Valentine's Day.

Who came up with the red theme anyway? Isn't Red the colour for danger, stop, highest army/terrorist alert? Perhaps it's a fitting likeness then. It spells danger for your savings. Corporations, media and anyone with anything worth a cent will all try to get you to buy their goods. It's actually a day for them to rack up some profits in that quarter. Everyone benefits except you. No wonder they say you need to invest in a relationship.

If you must celebrate this day, please keep it plain and simple. Men, please avoid wearing red suits. This isn't Michael Jackson's thriller video. You don't look nice in red. Trust me, she's lying. Leave that to the women. Wear black and don't be too flashy or you'll end up being tacky. Avoid red socks and red underwear at all costs. Don't wear white socks unless you're wearing a white suit or white pair of trousers. Actually don't wear anything white. Leave the Gold buckled sharp shoes to the Congolese musicians. Don't buy flowers, chocolates or wine. Every guy is going to do this. Distinguish yourself from the rest. Think outside the box. Teddy bears are inside the box. She probably has a million from all the previous times you have given her one or from her former boyfriends. Don't buy a blender, microwave, sauce pan or any cooking utensils. Don't send lingerie unless you're absolutely certain of her size.

Women, for once, buy us some descent Valentine's Day gifts. No we don't want Boxer shorts. It's not sexy. Socks are even worse. Don't buy perfume. You always get the fragrance wrong. We don't need shirts, ties, pens or anything we already have. Don't send flowers to our work places. They make us look feminine and we are not caring people so they won't get watered. Please dress up early and keep time. Don't marinate yourselves in perfume. If I sneeze, it's not the flu. You probably over did it. Send a bottle of scotch with a picture of you wearing some sexy lingerie. I can guarantee you that you'll have the best Valentine's Day ever. We don't have to go out. We could easily have a special candle lit meal and 'explore the house.' Home is always better because you're comfortable there. It's your turf. If you insist on going out, choose a place that's tranquil and offers some privacy. A place where it won't look like a valentine's special offer-buy one and get one free kind of thing.

For all those that are without a date for Valentine's, congratulations. You have been spared the disappointment and humiliation. You won't have to dress up ridiculously, tell more lies than Iraq's former information minister or perhaps stare in disbelief when she hands you picture frame for a Valentine's present or that hideous perfume(for women). Enjoy your freedom cause next year you might not be so lucky. Don't despair. Come Friday you'll have the only happy face in the office. You won't be disappointed by anyone. Happy Valentines

New Year New Beginnings

So here we are, new year, new hoopla, new promises, new resolutions but same old' person. I broke all last year's resolution and I have so far failed to meet this year's only resolution. Surely New Year resolutions are not for me. I'm pretty good at doing…well…nothing. This is the year that has so much promise for a lot of people (according to all news channels) but it's already turning sour for me.

Man United are crap, the republicans are getting back into the white house cause Barrack Hussein Obama has convinced the Dems to vote for hope (there's no such thing in politics) rather than substance, and my car is asking for a lot of money than I'm willing to offer. The pot holes in Kampala are growing faster than Mitsubishi (my Car maker) can manufacture and ship out shock absorbers. My work place (won't reveal where.) isn't interested in raising my salary but they'd be pretty pissed if my output reflected my salary. Things can't get worse….or can they?

Tomorrow is that dreaded day (Valentine's Day). The only thing worse than going out on a valentines date (with your wife, husband, GF, BF, mistress, booty call, one night stand etc) is not going out at all. Let's face it, you'd rather be out dressed ridiculously (red is a bad colour for men), holding flowers, lying your ass off, promising heaven than staying at home. Don't kid yourself. All boys/girls nights out don't make up for it because you know you won't get 'any' at the end of the night. The only consolation is that your account will still read the same on Friday. That sucks though on a cold night (which every night is in Kampala right now)

Okay enough already. This is my first blog for 8 months.